I Love You, I Love You, I Love You.

The voice of despair says, “I sin over and over again. After endless promises to myself and others to do better next time, I find myself back again in the old dark places. Forget about trying to change. I have tried for years. It didn’t work and it never will work. It is better that I get out of people’s way, be forgotten, no longer around, dead.”

This strangely attractive voice takes all uncertainties away and puts an end to the struggle. It speaks unambiguously for the darkness and offers a clear-cut negative identity.

But Jesus came to open my ears to another voice that says, “I am your God, I have molded you with my own hands, and I love what I have made. I love you with a love that has no limits, because I love you as I am loved. Do not run away from me. Come back to me—not once, not twice, but always again. You are my child…I am your God—the God of mercy and compassion, the God of pardon and love, the God of tenderness and care. Please do not say that I have given up on you, that I cannot stand you anymore, that there is no way back. It is not true. I so much want you to be with me. I so much want you to be close to me. I know all your thoughts. I hear all your words. I see all your actions. And I love you because you are beautiful, made in my own image, an expression of my most intimate love. Do not judge yourself. Let my love touch the deepest, most hidden corners of your heart and reveal to you your own beauty, a beauty that you have lost sight of, but that will become visible to you again in the light of my mercy. Come, come, let me wipe your tears, and let my mouth come close to your ear and say to you, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you.’”

— You Are The Beloved - March 21st (Nouwen)

Beloved? (gentle)

You are loved. I most often like to consider you as a tender flower—a flower radiant in Beauty and splendor. I say this, and think this, and I believe this with hope…that it will also shape your precious perspective; that it might prove to be helpful—for your good. Because, after all, it’s difficult to invoke self-pity on something as innocent, as delicate, and lovely…as the most beautifully arrayed flower in all of His creation, yes? (tender)

I believe He sees us like this. How could He not?

We know a little about what it’s like to create something. For, we are, indeed, little creators - in a way - like Him. Although, we, of course, cannot create things that are inherently good, and we cannot create things from nothing. But, when we do create something, something that we feel is remarkable…we dote on it, yes? We consider it to be wonderful! In a way, we are implanting a small portion of ourselves into the very thing we create. Some part of our unique self is now fixed upon this new thing…some piece of our consciousness, our personality, our perspective, our thought, our longings, our wants, our needs, our affections, our passions – ourself – is instilled or embedded into this newly created thing. And, truly, as long as we feel as though the final result is an accurate reflection of us—who we are, what we are hoping to express, make manifest—we are pleased.

Now, of course, with God and us, it’s a bit more complex, yes? Because we aren’t really “fixed”, or I should say, it doesn’t feel like we’re precisely fixed. We have our own will, our own imagination, our own aspirations, wants, desires…and yet, we are created in His image. Which means that deep within our spirit, our very soul, we will only and truly be satisfied in Him—in the kinds of things that He loves. Any deviation from that matrix is a perversion, a separation, a mutation from His design—Him. But, my point is, We are created in His image, we are, in some way, a reflection of Him. He loves us!

Beloved? (gentle) Rest in this love, please.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Fearless Play

…it is a movement from the restless senses to the restful spirit, from the outward-reaching cravings to the inward-reaching search, from the fearful clinging to the fearless play.

— ‘You Are The Beloved’ February 8th - Reaching Out (Nouwen)

O, beloved.

I’ve been searching for these words. They might, still, not be perfect…but they are much closer than I could have gotten.

I believe they’re interchangeable (helpful), for all types of longing, or lack, yes?

Nouwen speaks with regard to loneliness here, but beloved? It seems to me, this is the intent behind all of God’s purposed sorrow; all of the bitterness, the smoke.

We’ll have restless senses — aye. We’ll have them until we are fully and finally in the presence of our Beloved King. But, we do, indeed, have hope even now. For all of these restless senses will eventually be fully satisfied, in His Time — in season.

We, must…(gentle)…exercise our will, with the power of His Spirit, to withdraw our outward-reaching – cravings; and instead, employ our efforts elsewhere, towards an inward-reaching search.

Where do we search, beloved? I believe He wants us to search in three ways: His Word, His Creation, and Prayer. Why? What (or whom) are we…searching for? Jesus. We’re searching for Him, beloved, Together.

And, in doing so, our hearts (hopeful) can slowly but surely be cured, by His loving care for us; from a fearful clinging to that which we think can satisfy here and now to, instead: fearless play.

Oh! ‘Fearless play’!? Those words, beloved! They…make me weep. Weep tears of joy! Oh! how I long for fearless play, in every aspect of life, in every way.

We, like sheep, have gone astray, we have turned our own way (Isaiah 53:6). We are prone to wander about, we get banged up, bruised, lost. For we, right now, are not in green pastures, beloved. And! we’re dim-witted, which means we’re so, so, so very helpless.

Our good Shepherd though…He’s leading us to green pastures, beloved! To a Place where we can finally be at rest in His Presence! Where we will no longer need to proceed cautiously, timidly, carefully.

There, we will leap about in fearless play! O, my soul! (hopeful)

O, beloved. We do, indeed, have hope. He is our Hope. Don’t despair, beloved. Have no fear, please.

All is well, even if it doesn’t always feel like it now; even when our senses are restless, and we have trouble finding our way.

Some Day, beloved, when He says it’s Time, we’ll enjoy fearless play — Together.

Friendship

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts a human being can receive. It is a bond beyond common goals, common interests, or common histories. It is a bond stronger than sexual union can create, deeper than a shared fate can solidify, and it can be even more intimate than the bonds of marriage or community. Friendship is being with the other in joy and sorrow, even when we cannot increase the joy or decrease the sorrow. It is a unity of souls that gives nobility and sincerity to love. Friendship makes all of life shine brightly. Blessed are those who lay down their lives for their friends.

– The Gift of Friendship - January 7th - Bread for the Journey (Nouwen)

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Friendship is the deep oneness that develops when two people speaking the truth in love to one another, journey Together to the same horizon.

– Timothy Keller

Fruits That Grow in Vulnerability

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. and fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another’s wounds. Let’s remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness.

– January 4th - Bread for the Journey (Nouwen)

O, beloved, take these words to heart, please. You’re so quick to become discouraged when you perceive your delicate position. But, He takes that which is malleable and creates beauty and glory. Don’t lose hope. Your weakness, beloved, is but a mirror in revealing His strength, His power, His glory. What a privilege to be used as such. Aye!

O, child! You make a complete disaster of things in the kitchen and you lament over your doings. But, maybe…just maybe, the mess isn’t what you perceive it to be? What do you really know, O little one? You think you know, but you do not know what He knows. What you do know is: you are needy. You are verily needy, indeed. Take comfort, your neediness is a blessing. It has brought you closer to His loving arms, yes? Yes.

O, heart! You are so very fragile, so tender, so meek and lowly. Cheer up! Your vulnerability, although you question its value, its significance…it, perhaps, is your most cherished quality. What did you expect (said so very gently)? You are no longer made up of stone: hard, cold, lifeless…you are now soft, tender, sensitive…you are flesh now! (Ezekiel 11:19) What a gift!

O, soul! You long for intimacy, yes? Yes. So then, become the best possible student in learning how to touch the very wounds of God. Attend your affections toward His Word. Seek to understand, feel, and suffer the self-same emotions of your Beloved. Soak up every word He has ever spoken, pour out yourself, and know Him. Ask Him to make you fruitful.

You are vulnerable, beloved.

Rejoice! Be glad!

Again, I say, rejoice!

Waiting with Patience

“How do we wait for God? We wait with patience. But patience does not mean passivity. Waiting patiently is not like waiting for the bus to come, the rain to stop, or the sun to rise. It is an active waiting in which we live the present moment to the full in order to find there the signs of the One we are waiting for.

The word patience comes from the Latin verb patior which means ‘to suffer.’ Waiting patiently is suffering through the present moment, tasting it to the full, and letting the seeds that are sown in the ground on which we stand grow into strong plants. Waiting patiently always means paying attention to what is happening right before our eyes and seeing there the first rays of God’s glorious coming.”

- Bread for the Journey (Nouwen)

O, heart! How you struggle so to wait upon your God!

Waiting is hard. I know. Waiting takes time. Sometimes we know how much time is required, and other times we do not. Either way, it’s hard; so very hard.

And yet, hark ye! Waiting provides a rich opportunity, a blessed landscape, for practicing patience, yes? In waiting upon our Beloved God, we are allowed to respond in love, through patience; by suffering through our current circumstances! Look, beloved! Don’t you see?

O, beloved! Thankfully, we don’t have to sit idle, wallowing in misery any longer. We have work to do! We have the present moment to contend with, aye!

And so, let us taste it fully. Let us roam about it, with eyes wide open. Let us explore it’s every nook and cranny so we don’t miss any minute detail. This waiting, this opportune patience, this blessed suffering, it’s intentional. It’s purposeful. It’s active. It’s progressive!

Be at peace, beloved. Remain vigilant. Wait expectantly. Eagerly, we await His Advent!

Why Pray?

“Why should I spend an hour in prayer when I do nothing during that time but think about people I am angry with, should write, and thousands of other silly things that happen to grab my mind for a moment?

The answer is: because God is greater than my mind and my heart and what is really happening in the house of prayer is not measured in terms of human success and failure.

What I must do first of all is to be faithful. If I believe that the first commandment is to love God with my whole heart, mind, and soul, then I should at least be able to spend one hour a day with nobody else but God. The question as to whether it is helpful, useful, practical, or fruitful is completely irrelevant, since the only reason to love is love itself. Everything else is secondary.

The remarkable thing, however, is that sitting in the presence of God for one hour each morning – day after day, week after week, month after month – in total confusion and with myriad distractions radically changes my life. God, who loves me so much that he sent his only son not to condemn me but to save me, does not leave me waiting in the dark too long. I might think that each hour is useless, but after thirty or sixty or ninety such useless hours, I gradually realize that I was not as alone as I thought; a very small, gentle voice has been speaking to me far beyond my noisy place.

So, be confident and trust in the Lord.”

- You Are The Beloved (Nouwen)

Dear heavenly Father,

I do love you with my whole heart, mind, and soul!

I, oftentimes, when I first approach you in prayer, feel so very…timid. I…sheepishly don’t know quite what to say - as you know. I usually start with simple things like: “O heavenly Father, I love you!” or “O Lord, you are so very good, so faithful, so tender, so loving!“ And then, I…fumble and stumble over my words, and try to confess my sins to you, plainly.

Sometimes I make myself laugh. And I think you must laugh with me too. Not a condescending sort of laugh, but a deep and joy-filled chuckle, as a father has towards his beloved son when he does something endearing, yet silly.

I cherish these times we have Together. Even when I sit or walk in silence and struggle to know what to speak out loud or in my mind to You. You are so very patient with me. You never rush me. I imagine You, calmy waiting for me. Waiting, while you hold the infinite and delicate complexities of this entire universe in the palm of your hand. Waiting with perfect peace, perfect love, perfect joy. Gladly. You, waiting for me?! O, Lord. How that humbled me. And yet, it fills my heart to overflowing with love-filled devotion and awe.

O, Father! My heart bursts with adoration for You! That’s what I know. I don’t know how to say it well, but…I’m learning, slowly. Besides, You already know, Father. You know all things.

I will joyfully continue to practice my ability to articulate my love for You, as long as You give me life and breath. I will press into You, I will rest my weary head upon your bosom. I will speak to you in faith. Even though I cannot see anything come of it, practically speaking. I will regularly pursue You, day and night, the One whom my heart loves. Though I cannot see You, I love You. (1 Peter 1:8) By faith, I will continue to put my hope in You, the unseen all-loving Savior. (Hebrews 11:1)

Thank you for giving me access to You in prayer, Father. What a tremendous gift you’ve given us.

You are my Beloved. And I am yours. I will put my trust in You.

Amen.